A Day in the Life of...

Following recent out of court settlements we are now pleased to be able to resume our occasional series "A Day in the Life of...". As the editor has received a number of complaints that previous articles were not written by the alleged authors, future columns will be about imaginary or stereotypical people. Any resemblance to people living or dead is entirely coincidental.

A Day in the Life of a Compulsive Caver

by Adrian Stacey

Arrive in Wales late at night having driven all the way from Matienzo on my own. Don't know what time it is as I haven't got a watch because I don't need one. Barge into the New Inn and drink ten pints of Stella.

Go back to the cottage which is infested with so called members who probably only go caving twice a month. Not as many here as sometimes: the rest are wasting their time going to some wedding: I don't suppose we'll see him again. Must ring up and demand that he gives me all his caving gear. Start an argument about what operating system is best, which of course I~ win because I go caving more than anyone else.

Wait till everyone has gone to bed and look wild-eyed for a while. Go to bed and get a good night's sleep for an hour and a half.

Get up. Don't know what the time is. Wish there were some Clangers Videos to watch. Bang some pots and pans together in the kitchen. Eat a huge bowl of muesli, followed by a vat of baked beans, tinned tomatoes and spaghetti poured over a piece of toast.

Go up on Pant Mawr with sixteen lengths of scaffolding, a large can of Bang and the Bosch for a solo digging trip. Come back and have a good moan that no one else has gone caving yet. Have an argument with Paul Paniwnyk about who does most caving, even though it's obviously me.

Drive over to Carno in the Renault Astra. Cut trip short after only 10 hours as we want to get back to the pub. Leave digging tools at the end of Man Rabbit to stop anyone else in the club using them and wearing them out. Stop at the top of a rift and throw the clino down - it wasn't working properly anyway.

Drive back in the Vauxhall 5 via Westminster, The Red Lion and Pennwyllt. Burst into the cottage looking wild eyed and exclaim "I don't suppose any of you buggers have been caving today". Follow this with a detailed description of the 2 metres of passage found and how it's 346 times easier to find cave in Matienzo.

Eat a large saucepan full of dogfood and tell the visiting students that they are a waste of space and taxpayers money. Go over to the pub in my caving kit for ten pints of cider.

Come back to Godre Pentre and ransack the kitchen looking for spare beer: if it hasn't been drunk already they obviously don't want it.

Go to bed content in the knowledge of a day well spent.

If you are a famous personality who has an interesting day, please write to the editor with details.