The Wizards of Pendle Gob

The Search for the Golden Gates of Ogof Dragon

After the battle to flush the sludge fund monster into the sea all had returned to (relative) normality at Pendle Gob – there had been a big project to lower the floor level so the wizards could keep their pointy hats on while sitting down . The situation at Ye Olde Innn had got so bad that it had to close for reconstruction . The Goblyn owner had also decided to move to a new armchair so Ye Olde Innn was expected to become a ‘Deggies’ franchise selling battried bat wings served by Skimpies (who would apparently remove their wellies and wave their tootsies in your face if you put enough cash in the pot ).

The Golden Gates of Ogof Dragon had been there from time immemorial (or in fact about 15 years). It was, of course, Morgan the Hammer who thought that they were made of Gold and who could read and understand the magic script on them. According to this script Ogof Dragon was the home of the lost tribes of the Holy Wonderland ) who had arrived somehow from the other side of the known universe in order to get away from their nagging wives who didn’t like them spending all their weekends in sludgy caverns and downing vast quantities of ale. When the wizards met a ‘lost’ tribe in the cave they always denied that they were the ‘lost’ saying that just because they had got in a different way it didn’t mean that they were ‘lost’. Many such shirty arguments had gone on about how lost these tribes actually were and eventually it was decided to form a committee of Wizards to prove to the ‘lost’ that they were indeed ‘lost’ and that there was only the one true way in .

Now, as every one knows, a committee of Wizards is a concept that is difficult to grasp and so it came to pass after many years and hard labours that a vast chart of Ogof Dragon was made by the Wizards at Blackfloor to prove that there was an unclean entrance. However, of course, there was inevitably a serious flaw and it turned out that there had never been any agreement that the chart would ever be shown to anyone other than some elves!

Some surmised that in fact the chart did show another entrance where the ‘lost’ were getting in, which is why they refused to let anyone look at it. After many pointless risk assessments it was concluded that action would have to be taken and the ‘golden’ gate to the unclean entrance removed to stop the ‘lost’ getting out (there was actually one Wizard who tried to point out that removing the gate might be making it easier for them to get out but of course he was ignored).

In the meantime over at Ustramuckter occasionally something had been happening – during the hunt for a way to flush the sludge fund monster into the sea many wholes had been explored . One in particular had attracted the attention of the Baron and when Vandon Ganmor had finished destabilising his new entrance to Ogof Fawr he applied his skills to this whole and in no time at all there was the traditional slide-in facility installed leading into an equally traditional pile of grindy boulders. After that things got surprisingly good for Ustramuckter and the explorers were soon enjoying the view of the big pit from the safety of the ‘pins’ ; after that big rubber pads were kneeded as the lads headed into the unknown darkness. Over at Ogof Dragon things had got very confusing (even for the Wizards) – the golden gates had gone by themselves! No-one could work out why (some weren’t even sure they had really existed as one had only to apply the ’magic’ number - which every one knew - and it had opened; this of course didn’t apply to the unclean entrance, which didn’t exist) With no gates how could the Wizards get out? how had they been removed ?

Where were they ? would anyone else ever be able to translate the magic script ?

The committee was of course very annoyed. With the gates gone they would no longer be able to discuss what to do about them or decide who could pass through, etc, etc - even worse, some would doubt that the magic script ever existed ! And so the hunt for the Golden Gates of Ogof Dragon began. There were many false leads: they appeared to be for sale on the Wizisland system but this turned out to be a winddown by the witch Newoman (but at least gave every one a good laugh when the Fuzzy Wizards turned up and wanted to look in his broom cupboard !)

The new cave over at Ustramuckter had turned out to be better than expected so Vandon Ganmor and his best mate Dick Steam thought it should rival Ogof Dragon in gate technology. However they couldn’t come up with enough plausible spells to make it golden so it turned out to be a sort of muddy red colour . Up to now only a few had known of the new Ogof - thinking to keep it even more secret they put it on the new Wizard CRAP net work (Cave Resonance Audio Processing in case you are wondering) .Of course as with any CRAP system everyone knew about it and wanted to go in, unfortunately some also wanted to get out and possibly thinking that it was a golden gate of Ogof Dragon in disguise took the new gate away with them for further readings .

However all is not lost as the lads had anticipated this ,so it was fitted with an enhanced auto return spell that will bring it back to the cave along with any of its fellows in the vicinity –should be interesting ! Was it them ‘elves’ ? Or some one ‘else’?. Will the muddy brown gate find its mates the ‘Golden Gates’ and come back so we can believe in the magic script ?

Hence, loathed Melancholy,
Of Cerberus, and blackest Midnight born,
In Stygian cave forlorn,
Mongst horrid shapes, and shrieks, and sights unholy

- John Milton (L’Allegro)

Yeah, we’ve all been there.

Kerry Klatchit